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vtmortarman
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Name: Keith
Country: United States
State: Virginia
Metro: Blacksburg
Birthday: 3/14/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: Music (punk, indie, etc), mosh pits, used record stores, God, psychology (I'm an ENTP), history, football (go hokies and 49ers)
Expertise: I'd like to think I'm an expert in the things I'm interested in.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  vtmortarman7
Member Since:
11/23/2004
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| It’s been over two weeks since I left the wonder that was Cornerstone 2009. I figure it’s about time I actually sit down and right my annual memoir on the event. In years past, I’ve spent a couple of paragraphs describing some of the trends my sociological mind picks up on, but they’re mostly the same as last year. The community, especially all the punks at the Fat Calf and Underground, remains tight and without equal. I still love all of my beautiful, tattooed and pierced, Christian, punk sisters. The youth groups keep gravitating to main stage while all the real action is elsewhere. Metalcore is ubiquitous and has always sucked.
One difference between this year and the last two times I went was the presence of compatriots with which to share the experience. Jeff and Claire both enjoyed their first Cornerstone this year. It makes a difference when you have someone there to talk to during meals, breaks, and between shows. Friendships are based on commonalities and what is more common then being at the same place at the same time seeing the same thing. I really enjoyed having them there this year.
In their own way, they helped me to realize why I love Cornerstone so much. It’s the one place, the one time during the year, where I am completely in the moment. Our imaginations are a wonderful gift, but too often we use them to stress about things that shouldn’t really be a concern. I never worry about my past anyway, but at Cornerstone I’m not concerned about the future either. I’m not worried that I haven’t found an apartment, that I need a reliable income soon, that I have to find a rental truck, that I still haven’t written thank you notes for graduation, and there’s still family I want to visit before school starts. I am fully alive and invested in the moment. All that matters is the band on stage, the crowd around me, and too a lesser extent, who I’m going to see next. That’s true freedom. It’s the freedom from the concerns and stress that we allow into our everyday life on a regular basis.
Tuesday: Church (Fat Calf), Desiring Dead Flesh (Fat Calf), Children 18:3 (Blue Lagoon), True Liberty (Fat Calf), Thirty Seven (Encore 2), Destroy Nate Allen (Fat Calf), Highway Magic (Fat Calf), Revolution Radio (Fat Calf), Sexually Frustrated (Fat Calf), OCD (Fat Calf)
Children 18:3 stood out as the day’s highlight. What a way to open a festival! They were one of the three acts I really wanted to see this time. They always have so much energy, they’ve mastered their instruments (drum solo!), and the harmonies are excellent.
Highway Magic really surprised me too. I saw them for the first time in ’06 and they’ve grown by leaps and bounds since then. They really won me over when they closed their set with REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.” That’s definitely one of my favorites. Someone sign these guys! They’re at the point in their career where they remind me of MxPx circa “Teenage Politics”/”Pokinatcha”. I bought their Star EP and stayed in my car CD player for most of the first week post-Festival. Their posse also runs like twenty deep. I recognized several of the Fat Calf regulars from last year and “Captain Jack” became something like a semi-celebrity this year.
Thirty Seven’s set was only average, but I do want to compliment their originality in marketing. Instead of the usual pieces of paper that everyone hands out, they distributed plastic spoons on which they’d written their name and set time. It probably started as a last-minute necessity, but that’s thinking outside the box.
Wenesday: Evolution (X4), Church (Fat Calf), Living Water (Urban Subcultures), All Left Out (Indie Community), FBS (Anchor), Jacob (The Green Room), House of Heroes (Indoor), Children 18:3 (Underground), Philmont (Indie Community), Family Force 5 (Main), Derek Webb (Gallery), Relient K (Main), Austrian Death Machine (Encore 1)
I went to an entire series during the week trying to reconcile Evolution with faith. I enjoyed it. If evolution is true, it’s still compatible with our faith, with Christianity. The church does not have to fear science. It just means that God works in more ways than our preconceived notions, which, by the way, has always been true! I’m still an agnostic when it comes to evolution, but I’m glad somebody is at least trying to ask the hard questions and propose some answers.
The four or five songs I heard from House of Heroes were really solid. I look forward to hearing more from them in the future.
However, I left them early, because, for the second day in a row, Children 18:3 took the best show award. This was their best show of the three. It had the largest crowd and the pit really got into it.
During our dinner break, Claire and I wandered into the Rotary Club tent to charge our cell phones. The Bushnell Rotary Club gets two thumbs up from me every year. They offer power strips on which to charge your cell phones for free and they sell these awesome giant freezie pops for a dollar. Anyway, during our stay we enjoyed conversations with several of the co-chargers. One just happened to be the lead singer from Highway Magic. Cool guy.
Derek Webb was a real treat. I appreciate his honesty. It comes out so clearly in his music. I wish all Christians opened themselves up to such transparency and heartfelt dialogue.
Thursday: Evolution (X4), True Liberty (Anchor), Heroes and Villains (Imaginarium), (Ab)uses of Enchantment (Imaginarium), Community (X1), Atombender (Chasing Canadia), Project 86 (Main), Highway Magic (Impromptu), Rodent Emporium (Impromptu), OCD (Underground), Children 18:3 (Fat Calf), The Last Hope (Underground), The Deal (Underground), Flatfoot 56 (Underground)
I wish I’d known about Abuses of Enchantment from Day 1. I missed the first session, but the speaker kept me glued the other two days. He teaches mythology at some university in Texas and advertises the CS Lewis Foundation, a group dedicated to intelligent Christian thought returning to academia, among other things. Just his background alone should tell you how interesting it was. He had such a passion for the subject matter and exuded such an utter joy for fantastic fiction and reading in general. He inspired me and brought to the surface my own unending love for a good story. Like Lewis himself, I could have listened to this man speak for hours.
PUNK NIGHT!!! Looking back at this schedule, I’m just in awe. Every set from Highway Magic down was incredibly solid. At that show, my new lead-singer friend gave me a shout out during another great set. Rodent Emporium is just fun. OCD remains as strong as ever. I bore witness to Children 18:3 for the third time. The Last Hope stands as easily one of the most improved bands of the festival. I’d never heard The Deal before, but they impressed me.
A Flatfoot 56 Cornerstone show is a spectacle that any music fan should experience at least once in their life. You see innovations and moves that you won’t see anywhere else. Flatfoot didn’t rest on their laurels with Flatfoot Fiesta night this year either. Though the execution didn’t perform as well as the theory, I loved the Battle of the Alamo idea. A group of hardened punks stood in a circle in the middle of the tent with their foam pool toy shields and battlements. The rest of us charged the fortified position in hopes of dislodging them. I gladly took my position on the front line. The Alamo lasted about a second and a half. Many others and I remained on our feet for about two seconds. The experiment ended with a pile of bodies on the ground. I had fun trying it anyway. The only problem with this particular Flatfoot set was that there were too many of us for that tent. The massive circle pit just didn’t have the room to grow to the size it needed to. The large numbers of people slowed to a crawl in the corners, and even the straight-aways weren’t fast enough. When are they gonna let us take the act to main stage where it belongs?
Some of you may remember the yellow wristband from the 2008 festival that adorned my arm. It made it all the way to Cornerstone 2009. I showed it off to the ticket takers at the front gate to their surprise. While moshing in the middle of the Flatfoot 56 pit, one of my favorite live bands, at my favorite place on the planet, the white clasp finally broke and fell off. It dangled on my arm and I grabbed it and placed it in my wallet. This is what the Spartans call a “Good Death.” I could not ask for a more perfect way for a band to fall off. I could go to Cornerstones for the rest of my life and not experience such a symbolic moment. I loved it.
Friday: Evolution (X1), Atombender (Blue Lagoon), The Last Hope (Fat Calf), Great Job (Solace), (Ab)uses of Enchantment (Imaginarium), Flatfoot 56 (Fat Calf), Revolution Radio (Underground), The Remnants (Underground), Shiny Toy Guns (Main), Grave Robber (Underground), The Crucified (Encore 1)
Great Job was just a joke band from members of a couple other bands that got together to play Blink-182 cover songs. You wanna see a crowd of twenty-somethings sing along with every word then just start playing crappy Blink cover songs! It was a blast.
Flatfoot played another awesome show. However, they tried to combine the Braveheart charge with our arm-in-arm singing of “Amazing Grace.” I personally prefer the two separately. The first is about good-natured aggression while the latter is a heartfelt display of unity. A circle pit feels more appropriate in such an instance.
The Crucified were the biggest surprise of the festival for me. I’d never heard them before. The Cali punk band broke up before I even started middle school. They sounded like they could jump right in on a tour and wow crowds today even at middle age. The lead singer is so incredibly charismatic. I later found out that he also sang for Stavesacre. I may have to give them a longer listen too. I found amusement in the crowd as well. It definitely had the oldest average age of any pit I’ve ever seen. It was cool to see all of these thirty-something punks risking injury to mosh to the favorite band of their youth one more time.
Saturday: All Left Out (Solace), Seabird (Indoor), Classic Crime (Indoor), The Devil Wears Prada (“Main”), Seabird (Grrr Records), Man Made Hell (Underground)
On Claire’s request I went and saw The Devil Wears Prada. They are certainly a very talented band, probably the best I’ve seen or heard for that genre. Still, I can never see myself involved that genre. Metalcore took Hardcore Punk’s energy and attitude, but they ignored the meaning. Punk fights oppressive authority and all forms of injustice. We have that energy and attitude because we have something to be pissed about. Metalcore also takes from Metal their double kick pedals, some of their vocals, and other musical ideals. But again its seems like they’ve missed the point. Metal musicians remain far more technical than any of us, and metalcore doesn’t have the same interesting fascination with death, darkness, and the mysteries of life that the metalheads seem to display. From an outsider’s perspective, it just appears that the emo kids grew up and discovered a pair of balls. The music is just another pointless temper tantrum.
I think these concerns show up in the pit as well. Metalcore dancers are just jocks that found alternative music. It’s nothing against jocks. I’m glad they’ve found a live music that they can appreciate, but we just have nothing in common. In punk, mosh pits and circle pits are more about unity and a common riot. Metalcore dancing is so much more individualistic. They just jump into lines and start punching and kicking like a dozen fake Bruce Lee’s and they don’t care who they knock out in the process. There’s just far too much testosterone.
The festival ended perfectly. Walking back to my campsite for the last time, I heard something intriguing emanating from the Underground Stage once more. I couldn’t resist checking out this one last punk band. It turned out to be a start-up from Chicago named Man Made Hell. I love the name and I’m grateful that they ended my festival on a punk note. It doesn’t hurt that a cute blonde punk sold me their demo CD either.
I did have to pay for another amazing festival though. It rained all day Saturday from the dark of morning through the next night. It seeped through my tent and soaked my sleeping bag. It couldn’t dry because of the continual precipitation. So I ended up sleeping a night and a half in damp conditions. Is it any surprise that during the drive home Sunday and all day Monday I was running a high fever and felt like utter crap. Thanks to copious amounts of water and Nyquil I started feeling human again in time for my new tattoo on Thurday. Let’s hope I don’t have to repeat that part of the experience again any time soon though.
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| What would be a cool life? How about this for a random thought. Who knows if any of it possible.
I go to VCU for the next two years and get my Master's Degree in Sociology. The GI Bill pays for it all basically making it my job to learn and grow and have fun. I also get a job at Plan 9 Records where my 50% discount makes it possible to buy all the CDs and Vinyl I could ever want.
I start taking drum lessons by the end of 2009 and discover that after countless hours of playing Rock Band, I'm a natural. I join a band by the summer of 2010 and we play our first local gig that fall. We're too old to get away with straight punk, but we play a brand of rock so influenced by punk that we can play both the punk and indie circles (think Bloc Party, Foo Fighters, and/or Five Iron Frenzy). We play local shows throughout Richmond and earn a fan base the hard way. We release our first self-produced album in time for graduation and our first national tour in the summer of 2011. We play basement shows and small clubs to dozens of people in whatever cities have a floor for us to sleep on. We play Cornerstone for the first time hitting up the generator stages like Fat Calf.
Either during school or in the early years of the band I meet and marry a wonderful brown-eyed brunette Christian punk INFJ. She's able to tour with us and actually becomes our manager/merch girl so we never have to be apart. She's my lover and my best friend and I love sharing this journey with her.
Within three years of that first tour, we manage to release our first professional album to national distribution. It generates a buzz and begins to bring in the small dedicated fan base that will stick with us throughout our career. We officially play Cornerstone for the first time. We play some of our most memorable shows first on the Underground Stage and later on the Encore stage. Throughout my thirties we release three or four critically acclaimed and fan-loved albums that all go Gold. Our success allows us to headline our own tours and play theaters and other midsize venues wherever good moshing is allowed. This all culminates with the ultimate high of being invited to play Cornerstone's Main Stage two or three times.
During these years I also use the time on the road to write two or three books. I may write some of my thoughts and musings on the nature of God and christianity ala Miller or Bell. I may write a lay history of some of my favorite musical styles and bands. I may write a fantasy book with a modern setting like Harry Potter or Twilight from a completely fresh angle that doesn't seek to copy either in any way. The books become cult favorites and one even becomes a classic twenty years later when I'm old enough to understand and enjoy the acclaim.
The band retires under amicable conditions before any of us turns 40 and before we make the mistake of putting out an album that's completely out of touch and betraying to our fan base. Our best album probably won't be our last, but our fans will still comment that we went out on top without tarnishing our legacy. Our novel and energetic music inspires a whole new generation of wonderful bands, some of which go on to make even better music and have greater success than we did.
By this time I'm also anxious to spend more time with my wife and our five healthy, intelligent children. She continues to tour with me when the first three are younger, but it becomes more difficult when they begin to start school. We own a comfortable townhouse in a diverse, cultured neighborhood in a major city.
I use the money earned from my music and writing journeys to go back to school for Architecture. I enjoy my late chosen career: it has a great capacity for creativity and order. I'm able to see my designs come to life as buildings spring up in my community.
My connection to youth doesn't end with the band. I take an active role in the high school youth group and/or the college group at my church. I'm able to help young people wrestle with doubt, realizing that its okay to have questions and bringing them to an active and growing relationship with their Savior. Their questions and ideas also keep me from growing stale and static in my own life.
However, my greatest achievement is my family. I put every spare moment I have into their enrichment. The love my wife and I have for each other grows stronger and deeper by the day. My children grow into confident, capable adults who are not afraid to do the right things and follow their dreams. I'm able to show each and every one of them a living God that they all develop a relationship with throughout their lives.
When I "retire", I refuse to check out from life. I travel more. I listen to music more. I write more, perhaps even occasionally with a purpose in mind. I use my experiences to teach others. I speak as the voice of wisdom on civil rights and social justice issues. I use my extra time and financial stability to help others through mission trips local and abroad. I live out my last years with the same fervor and enthusiasm as my first. I don't grow tired. I gain steam. And if I'm lucky, I leave this world doing something or going somewhere that most wouldn't dare to try. | | |
| When I bought my Mac in December, I once again set about rating the 700+ CDs that I have in my iTunes. I still have about 100 that I haven't finished, but at this point I can say with some certainty that I've rated any that could possibly make this list. I rated each song on the five star system.
5 Stars - A song that truly impacted my life. I still love to listen to it at any time and know all the words. These songs often have the power to transport me back to a given time or moment. Only 2% of all songs achieve this rating.
4 Stars - A song good enough to achieve regular rotation on my ipod shuffle. These are great songs that just lack the deep emotional connection of the 5-stars. About 12% of my songs are awarded this rating.
3 Stars - These are good songs that I listen to occasionally but I get bored with if I listen to them on a regular basis. They may make the occasional appearance on my shuffle, but their stay is brief and it doesn't happen often. 29% of my songs have this rating.
2 Stars - These are songs that I don't like, but I don't hate them either. They're just eh.
1 Stars - These are the bad songs. They actually cause some form of discomfort if I have to listen to them.
To rate the CD, the average of all the songs minus the interludes is computed. Then the CD gets .1 added to the rating for every 4 star song and .2 added for every 5 star song. This way recordings are rewarded for both consistency and high points. Also, with the exception of Minor Threat's "Complete Discography" (#80), best of and compilation albums were excluded from the final list.
This list is HIGHLY SUBJECTIVE. These are the CDs that I love, that I enjoy the most. I'm not saying that "Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo" (#2) or Much Afraid (#8) are more influential albums than "Revolver" (#44), "London Calling" (#43) or "Nevermind" (#17). The former are just more likely to be blasting from my car stereo and have had a bigger impact on my life.
As always, this list is subject to change, but it accurately reflects my current feelings and my feelings of the last 6 months. Now on to the list:
100. Who We Are Instead - Jars of Clay (2003)
99. The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot (2003)
98. Candycoatedwaterdrops - Plumb (1999)
97. Jesus Freak - dc Talk (1995)
96. Back from Nowhere - Polarboy (1998)
95. Swoon - Silversun Pickups (2009)
94. Love Liberty Disco - Newsboys (1999)
93. Weezer (Blue Album) - Weezer (1994)
92. Joshua Tree - U2 (1987)
91. Destination: Beautiful - MAE (2003)
90. Chase the Sun - The OC Supertones (1999)
89. Foo Fighters - Foo Fighters (1995)
88. The Empire Strikes First - Bad Religion (2004)
87. Billy Talent - Billy Talent (2003)
86. Traveling Without Moving - Jamiroquai (1996)
85. The White Album - The Beatles (1968)
84. As Cruel as Schoolchildren - Gym Class Heroes (2006)
83. So Much for the Afterglow - Everclear (1997)
82. Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie (2003)
81. Infinity on High - Fall Out Boy (2007)
80. Complete Discography - Minor Threat (1981-83)
79. Atlantis: Hymns for Disco - K-os (2007)
78. Again, for the First Time - Bleach (2002)
77. Old World Underground - Metric (2003)
76. Myths of the Near Future - The Klaxons (2006)
75. Give Up - The Postal Service (2003)
74. Vehicles and Animals - Athlete (2003)
73. Upbeats and Beatdowns - Five Iron Frenzy (1996)
72. Ok Go - Ok Go (2002)
71. Commit this to Memory - Motion City Soundtrack (2005)
70. Urban Sophisticates - Urban Sophisticates (2003)
69. The Everglow - MAE (2005)
68. The Cool - Lupe Fiasco (2007)
67. The Bravery - The Bravery (2005)
66. (What's the Story) Morning Glory? - Oasis (1995)
65. Fiction Family - Fiction Family (2009)
64. Jars of Clay - Jars of Clay (1995)
63. Abbey Road - The Beatles (1969)
62. The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails (1994)
61. Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot (2000)
60. Age of Reptiles - Showbread (2006)
59. The Ringing Bell - Derek Webb (2007)
58. Game Theory - The Roots (2006)
57. Teenage Politics - MxPx (1995)
56. Mmhmm - Relient K (2004)
55. Two Lefts Don't Make a Right... But Three Do - Relient K (2003)
54. Love, Hate and Then There's You - The Von Bondies (2009)
53. Singals, Calls, and Marches - Mission of Burma (1981)
52. Plans - Death Cab for Cutie (2005)
51. Invade Poland - The Two Funeral (2006)
50. Mockingbird - Derek Webb (2005)
49. All the Hype That Money Can Buy - Five Iron Frenzy (2000)
48. The Anatomy of the Tongue in Cheek - Relient K (2001)
47. Take This to Your Grave - Fall Out Boy (2003)
46. Veni Vidi Vicious - The Hives (2000)
45. Minutes to Midnight - Linkin Park (2007)
44. Revolver - The Beatles (1966)
43. London Calling - The Clash (1979)
42. One by One - Foo Fighters (2002)
41. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend (2008)
40. Before Everything & After - MxPx (2003)
39. Reset EP - Mutemath (2004)
38. With Teeth - Nine Inch Nails (2005)
37. FIF 2: Electric Boogaloo - Five Iron Frenzy (2001)
36. Children 18:3 - Children 18:3 (2008)
35. Knuckles Up - Flatfoot 56 (2006)
34. The Eleventh Hour - Jars of Clay (2002)
33. Flyleaf - Flyleaf (2005)
32. Riot! - Paramore (2007)
31. Carnavas - Sliversun Pickups (2006)
30. Presidents of the United States of America - PotUSA (1994)
29. Sixpence None the Richer - Sixpence None the Richer (1997)
28. The End is Here - Five Iron Frenzy (2004)
27. Tragic Kingdom - No Doubt (1995)
26. Oh No - Ok Go (2005)
25. From Under the Cork Tree - Fall Out Boy (2005)
24. Dookie - Green Day (1994)
23. Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge - My Chemical Romance (2004)
22. Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard (2003)
21. Mutemath - Mutemath (2006)
20. The Divine Discontent - Sixpence None the Richer (2002)
19. A Fever You Can't Sweat Out - Panic at the Disco (2005)
18. All We Know is Falling - Paramore (2005)
17. Nevermind - Nirvana (1991)
16. Pretty. Odd. - Panic at the Disco (2008)
15. If I Left the Zoo - Jars of Clay (1998)
14. ...Is a Real Boy - Say Anything (2006)
13. Quantity is Job 1 - Five Iron Frenzy (1998)
12. The Ever Passing Moment - MxPx (2000)
11. Leaving Through the Window - Something Corporate (2002)
10. There is Nothing Left to Lose - Foo Fighters (1999)
9. Echoes, Silence, Patience, and Grace - Foo Fighters (2007)
8. Much Afraid - Jars of Clay (1997)
7. New Way to Be Human - Switchfoot (1999)
6. II - Presidents of the USA (1996)
5. Legend of Chin - Switchfoot (1997)
4. The Colour and the Shape - Foo Fighters (1997)
3. Silent Alarm - Bloc Party (2005)
2. Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo - MxPx (1998)
1. Our Newest Album Ever! - Five Iron Frenzy (1997) | | |
| The last two months have been an incredible period of spiritual growth for me. After discussing this with my mom, I have come to realize just how powerful a story it is and I want to share it with everyone.
Both of my deployments were a spiritually hard, dead time for me. When you are surrounded by men who do not know Christ and often enjoy some of the greatest excesses of life and you combine that with the stresses of a life-threatening situation it can be difficult to hear God through the static. Regrettably, I found myself falling into an apathy where I struggled to stand still. When I can home, the spiritual apathy and quicksand of Iraq came home with me. All in all, 2008 became a spiritual wash.
This all came into stark relief when I joined the [nlcf] mission trip to Pass Christian, MS in January. Being able to get away from everything and focus on God's people, His service, and the simple, pure work of construction made me realize just how apathetic and selfish I had become. It was especially evident when I was fired from driving. In hindsight I don't think my typical aggressive driving was what really got me fired. It had more to do with the dictatorial way I handled the radio and the dismissive way in which I flippantly ignored their concerns for safety. Someone more in love with God should be more diplomatic. I think I may have rubbed three or four people in particular the wrong way that week and to them I am truly sorry.
That Friday night as we sat around the campfire singing worship songs, I once again dedicated myself to an active pursuance of God and a growing relationship with him. It was not an easy thing to do. In fact it was quite gut-wrenching at the time. How could I have known just how much God would grow me in the two months that followed.
I have a problem with authority. I love my Dad and I know he loves me, but I didn't always feel that way. When I was younger, he could be quite negligent. The life of a retail store manager is not easy. It requires 50 to 80 hours of work a week. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for your son and your family. To make matters worse, my parents separated when I was ten and I moved to Virginia without my dad when I was eleven. Now I was lucky if I got a call once a month and I saw him even less. In spite of this, I think I did okay. I think I've turned out alright. So, how do I trust authority when my first authority was absentee? I didn't need that authority, so why do I need it now?
The second authority figure in my life was my step-dad. He started out well, but soon I realized that he was a domineering, intimidating figure. He refused to listen to any reason I would offer and only saw things in his black and white world. I felt like he was constantly trying to change me and shape me into his image. I couldn't just be who I was, who I wanted to be. I was never smart enough to make decisions on my own. I felt patronized.
The churches we went to at the time weren't much better. I finally became a Christian at the age of 13 in an independent Baptist church and I am extremely grateful for their presentation of the gospel and their community. However, the legalistic environment stunted my growth and led to outright depression from 16 to 18. I'm a Christian now. I'm supposed to be perfect, right? I just couldn't live up to their standards. It was impossible. Here were more people trying to shape me and craft me in their ideal image. Why did authority always want to change me?
Of course with my taught Baptist values in hand, I ran right into the arms of the army. I am thankful for the training and the experiences and the education benefits, but that was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You mean I'm supposed to accept everything you say without question? That's just not in me. It's not in my personality. By the time of my first deployment I was already starting to change and find my true self again. And here was an authority lying to my face repeatedly and then asking me to trust them unconditionally.
On top of all these experiences, the government during my first decade as an adult hasn't offered much encouragement either. We have eight years of fascism. From my perspective, the man on top starts an unjust war and then tries to shove his legalistic values down my throat on top of it. That's followed by the election of a socialist. Now we aren't responsible enough to spend our own money either?
I tell you all of this only to demonstrate that I have had a really, really difficult time trusting in God the father. I love Jesus Christ. I love a brother, a savior, an example, a counterculture leader. I love the Holy Spirit. He is my connection to God, my relationship with Him and others. He is my helpmate and the quiet voice in intimate conversation with my spirit.
But how do I trust God the father? All of my earthly fathers failed me. They all neglected me and tried to twist and change me. I feared God the father. I refused to invite Him into my daily life. Such a long distance relationship had worked with my real dad, why shouldn't it work with Him? I could take care of myself in the day to day and He could worry Himself with the big picture of my future. I've got the details, right? Besides, if I let Him get to close, He'll just try to change me like all of the others. I feared being miserable, being something I wasn't. I didn't want God to turn me into some boring, personality-less Christian robot. My head knew better - the Creator has to know what's best for me - but the message just was not getting through to my heart. I just had too much history.
While I was beginning this journey of growth, my homegroup had begun experiencing some heartache. There were a couple of hard breakups and other people who were just dealing with feelings of rejection, depression, and abandonment. In the midst of such struggles, God does his best work. We had two of the best homegroups I've experienced this February. During the first, our leaders invited Matt, an expert of sorts on grief, and we just had an open time of discussion. Many of us confessed the griefs and struggles we had been dealing with. I began to openly express my bitterness towards authority and how hard it had made my relationship with God the father. During my lifegroup time, I opened myself up to my men and just became transparent. I expressed that struggle again and confessed all of my sins. It felt good to just be heard.
Two weeks later during homegroup, the leaders divided us into three groups based on what we felt was keeping us from having a good relationship with God. Within the group we had time to quietly read some scripture the leaders had prepared and then discuss and pray about the things that held us back. I was immediately drawn to the anger/fear/sin group. Anger towards authority: check. Fear of God the father: check. An attraction to hedonism: check. I once again passionately expressed my issues with God the father and the authority figures in my life.
Like Jacob, I wrestled with God and walked away emotionally exhausted. Like the psalmist, I shouted at God and demanded answers. God let me have my say in every way. He let me cry out to Him and heard every word. He let me tire myself out, but I didn't collapse into his arms just yet.
We once again packed ourselves into vans for the second trip to Mississippi over Spring Break this past week. Fourteen hours in a van is a long time. I came prepared with adequate reading material.
The first book I tore through was "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. A friend had given it to me months ago, but I had not yet picked it up. I was enthralled. I couldn't put it down and I ripped through it in about 5 hours. I laughed out loud. I cried. Whether anyone saw it or not, actual tears trickled down my face on at least one occasion.
Bell described God as a wonderful mystery. God is not formulaic. He cannot be put into any box. Often times He is downright paradoxical. It's foolish and arrogant to think that we can possibly begin to fully understand even a percent of the nature of God. He is much bigger than that. I finally understood that God did not want to turn me into a formulaic robot. He isn't formulaic, so why would he want his children to be. He simply wants to invite us into the inexplicable rhythm of His dance. I believe in the relationship now.
God further demonstrated this picture later that night. After we arrived in Bay St Louis at our camp, a few of us decided to take a walk down the beach. We eventually arrived at the pier and walked out to the end. There I witnessed the beautiful scene of the moon's reflection dancing upon the waves. I wish words were more adequate to describe it. The light sparkles chaotically upon the water like the fizzle of a higher channel on an old television without cable. But as the waves come in, you begin to notice their rhythm and the effect it has upon the scene. There is an underlying rationality. It is one of the most beautiful, mesmerizing scenes I have ever ingested. Like that picture I began to understand the beautiful complexity of a rational God. It is an artistic, creative dance, not some rote repetition.
The message would have fallen on deaf ears had God not combined it with His eternal love. The week before the trip I began to look for my copy of The 5 Love Languages for Singles. I wanted to read it in the presence of certain stunningly beautiful brunette I knew would be on the trip. I hoped to inspire a conversation that would lead me to a better understanding of how to win her heart. I now know that she is not the one God has for me, but I certainly want to thank that sister for inspiring me to be a better Christian man.
I had lost the book though (probably in the duffle bag that never made it back from Iraq - the Lord has a plan). While looking for a replacement in Barnes & Noble, I came across The 5 Love Languages of God. I rebought Singles, but it got me to thinking about how God could possibly love a person whose primary love language is touch from what seems like such an impossible distance. It was hard to trust a God the father who I wasn't even sure loved me.
As I grew closer to God I got my answer. Especially in the deepest moments of worship or enlightenment when God feels so real, I get this feeling of shivers or goosebumps or tingles all over my body. As I thought about it I realized it was God and this was his way of "hugging" me. He overwhelmed me with "hugs" throughout the week. I felt Him as I read Rob Bell, as I waded out into the ocean, as I joined the bible studies and prayed and worshipped every night with my fellow trippers.
It's an overwhelming experience to feel that close to God. You feel like you're about to break, like God is too heavy, just too much, but you want it so much more. You would be happy to be bathed and destroyed in the presence of God. It was all especially true as we sang a cappella worship songs on the beach. I wanted so badly to physically see God and I felt like He was so close that I almost could.
Combine God's presence with random dance parties (my way of hugging God back) and a "hug line" Friday night and I come home on an amazing high with an overflowing love tank. I know this high won't last forever. I've been a follower of the Way long enough to know that it goes through cycles. There are times when God shouts at you and times when you beg for a whisper and get nothing but more silence. I know I won't be perfect. I know I will fall again and struggle again and be broken by God again. There are still a lot of issues in me that He can work through and perfect. But right now, I just want to ride this joy and this cycle of growth as long as He'll let me. | | |
| The last two months have been an incredible period of spiritual growth for me. After discussing this with my mom, I have come to realize just how powerful a story it is and I want to share it with everyone.
Both of my deployments were a spiritually hard, dead time for me. When you are surrounded by men who do not know Christ and often enjoy some of the greatest excesses of life and you combine that with the stresses of a life-threatening situation it can be difficult to hear God through the static. Regrettably, I found myself falling into an apathy where I struggled to stand still. When I can home, the spiritual apathy and quicksand of Iraq came home with me. All in all, 2008 became a spiritual wash.
This all came into stark relief when I joined the [nlcf] mission trip to Pass Christian, MS in January. Being able to get away from everything and focus on God's people, His service, and the simple, pure work of construction made me realize just how apathetic and selfish I had become. It was especially evident when I was fired from driving. In hindsight I don't think my typical aggressive driving was what really got me fired. It had more to do with the dictatorial way I handled the radio and the dismissive way in which I flippantly ignored their concerns for safety. Someone more in love with God should be more diplomatic. I think I may have rubbed three or four people in particular the wrong way that week and to them I am truly sorry.
That Friday night as we sat around the campfire singing worship songs, I once again dedicated myself to an active pursuance of God and a growing relationship with him. It was not an easy thing to do. In fact it was quite gut-wrenching at the time. How could I have known just how much God would grow me in the two months that followed.
I have a problem with authority. I love my Dad and I know he loves me, but I didn't always feel that way. When I was younger, he could be quite negligent. The life of a retail store manager is not easy. It requires 50 to 80 hours of work a week. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for your son and your family. To make matters worse, my parents separated when I was ten and I moved to Virginia without my dad when I was eleven. Now I was lucky if I got a call once a month and I saw him even less. In spite of this, I think I did okay. I think I've turned out alright. So, how do I trust authority when my first authority was absentee? I didn't need that authority, so why do I need it now?
The second authority figure in my life was my step-dad. He started out well, but soon I realized that he was a domineering, intimidating figure. He refused to listen to any reason I would offer and only saw things in his black and white world. I felt like he was constantly trying to change me and shape me into his image. I couldn't just be who I was, who I wanted to be. I was never smart enough to make decisions on my own. I felt patronized.
The churches we went to at the time weren't much better. I finally became a Christian at the age of 13 in an independent Baptist church and I am extremely grateful for their presentation of the gospel and their community. However, the legalistic environment stunted my growth and led to outright depression from 16 to 18. I'm a Christian now. I'm supposed to be perfect, right? I just couldn't live up to their standards. It was impossible. Here were more people trying to shape me and craft me in their ideal image. Why did authority always want to change me?
Of course with my taught Baptist values in hand, I ran right into the arms of the army. I am thankful for the training and the experiences and the education benefits, but that was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You mean I'm supposed to accept everything you say without question? That's just not in me. It's not in my personality. By the time of my first deployment I was already starting to change and find my true self again. And here was an authority lying to my face repeatedly and then asking me to trust them unconditionally.
On top of all these experiences, the government during my first decade as an adult hasn't offered much encouragement either. We have eight years of fascism. From my perspective, the man on top starts an unjust war and then tries to shove his legalistic values down my throat on top of it. That's followed by the election of a socialist. Now we aren't responsible enough to spend our own money either?
I tell you all of this only to demonstrate that I have had a really, really difficult time trusting in God the father. I love Jesus Christ. I love a brother, a savior, an example, a counterculture leader. I love the Holy Spirit. He is my connection to God, my relationship with Him and others. He is my helpmate and the quiet voice in intimate conversation with my spirit.
But how do I trust God the father? All of my earthly fathers failed me. They all neglected me and tried to twist and change me. I feared God the father. I refused to invite Him into my daily life. Such a long distance relationship had worked with my real dad, why shouldn't it work with Him? I could take care of myself in the day to day and He could worry Himself with the big picture of my future. I've got the details, right? Besides, if I let Him get to close, He'll just try to change me like all of the others. I feared being miserable, being something I wasn't. I didn't want God to turn me into some boring, personality-less Christian robot. My head knew better - the Creator has to know what's best for me - but the message just was not getting through to my heart. I just had too much history.
While I was beginning this journey of growth, my homegroup had begun experiencing some heartache. There were a couple of hard breakups and other people who were just dealing with feelings of rejection, depression, and abandonment. In the midst of such struggles, God does his best work. We had two of the best homegroups I've experienced this February. During the first, our leaders invited Matt, an expert of sorts on grief, and we just had an open time of discussion. Many of us confessed the griefs and struggles we had been dealing with. I began to openly express my bitterness towards authority and how hard it had made my relationship with God the father. During my lifegroup time, I opened myself up to my men and just became transparent. I expressed that struggle again and confessed all of my sins. It felt good to just be heard.
Two weeks later during homegroup, the leaders divided us into three groups based on what we felt was keeping us from having a good relationship with God. Within the group we had time to quietly read some scripture the leaders had prepared and then discuss and pray about the things that held us back. I was immediately drawn to the anger/fear/sin group. Anger towards authority: check. Fear of God the father: check. An attraction to hedonism: check. I once again passionately expressed my issues with God the father and the authority figures in my life.
Like Jacob, I wrestled with God and walked away emotionally exhausted. Like the psalmist, I shouted at God and demanded answers. God let me have my say in every way. He let me cry out to Him and heard every word. He let me tire myself out, but I didn't collapse into his arms just yet.
We once again packed ourselves into vans for the second trip to Mississippi over Spring Break this past week. Fourteen hours in a van is a long time. I came prepared with adequate reading material.
The first book I tore through was "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. A friend had given it to me months ago, but I had not yet picked it up. I was enthralled. I couldn't put it down and I ripped through it in about 5 hours. I laughed out loud. I cried. Whether anyone saw it or not, actual tears trickled down my face on at least one occasion.
Bell described God as a wonderful mystery. God is not formulaic. He cannot be put into any box. Often times He is downright paradoxical. It's foolish and arrogant to think that we can possibly begin to fully understand even a percent of the nature of God. He is much bigger than that. I finally understood that God did not want to turn me into a formulaic robot. He isn't formulaic, so why would he want his children to be. He simply wants to invite us into the inexplicable rhythm of His dance. I believe in the relationship now.
God further demonstrated this picture later that night. After we arrived in Bay St Louis at our camp, a few of us decided to take a walk down the beach. We eventually arrived at the pier and walked out to the end. There I witnessed the beautiful scene of the moon's reflection dancing upon the waves. I wish words were more adequate to describe it. The light sparkles chaotically upon the water like the fizzle of a higher channel on an old television without cable. But as the waves come in, you begin to notice their rhythm and the effect it has upon the scene. There is an underlying rationality. It is one of the most beautiful, mesmerizing scenes I have ever ingested. Like that picture I began to understand the beautiful complexity of a rational God. It is an artistic, creative dance, not some rote repetition.
The message would have fallen on deaf ears had God not combined it with His eternal love. The week before the trip I began to look for my copy of The 5 Love Languages for Singles. I wanted to read it in the presence of certain stunningly beautiful brunette I knew would be on the trip. I hoped to inspire a conversation that would lead me to a better understanding of how to win her heart. I now know that she is not the one God has for me, but I certainly want to thank that sister for inspiring me to be a better Christian man.
I had lost the book though (probably in the duffle bag that never made it back from Iraq - the Lord has a plan). While looking for a replacement in Barnes & Noble, I came across The 5 Love Languages of God. I rebought Singles, but it got me to thinking about how God could possibly love a person whose primary love language is touch from what seems like such an impossible distance. It was hard to trust a God the father who I wasn't even sure loved me.
As I grew closer to God I got my answer. Especially in the deepest moments of worship or enlightenment when God feels so real, I get this feeling of shivers or goosebumps or tingles all over my body. As I thought about it I realized it was God and this was his way of "hugging" me. He overwhelmed me with "hugs" throughout the week. I felt Him as I read Rob Bell, as I waded out into the ocean, as I joined the bible studies and prayed and worshipped every night with my fellow trippers.
It's an overwhelming experience to feel that close to God. You feel like you're about to break, like God is too heavy, just too much, but you want it so much more. You would be happy to be bathed and destroyed in the presence of God. It was all especially true as we sang a cappella worship songs on the beach. I wanted so badly to physically see God and I felt like He was so close that I almost could.
Combine God's presence with random dance parties (my way of hugging God back) and a "hug line" Friday night and I come home on an amazing high with an overflowing love tank. I know this high won't last forever. I've been a follower of the Way long enough to know that it goes through cycles. There are times when God shouts at you and times when you beg for a whisper and get nothing but more silence. I know I won't be perfect. I know I will fall again and struggle again and be broken by God again. There are still a lot of issues in me that He can work through and perfect. But right now, I just want to ride this joy and this cycle of growth as long as He'll let me. | | |
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